|
| 6.06.2006 |
| Where Am I Going? |
"Your eyes can deceive you; don't trust them." - Obi Wan Kenobi
"There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death." Prov. 14:12
Maybe Obi-Wan read proverbs during his time on Tatooine. If he didn't, he sure has some of it's wisdom in his words. Who knows?
Where am I going? That's the question that I've been asking myself alot lately. (See previous post) And I keep giving myself the same answer. "I don't know." All I do know is I don't want to stay where I'm at. That's for certain.
I've been reading this book Chazown (pronounced khaw-ZONE) it's hebrew for vision. It's the same word found in the verse... "Where there is no {chazown}, the people perish" Prov. 29:18. Currently I'm starting the 3rd Chapter. It's a good book. I'm slowly becoming aware of my purpose and vision on this planet, but there's the keyword....'slowly'. Now this is not a book you can rush through. Neither should you rush to conclude your destiny or vision for what God has for you. But see here's the thing. I can't explain that to the bill collectors. "Hello...Yes, I know I'm a month behind. Yes. Well, I haven't found my chazown yet. No...no, that's not french for wallet." That just wouldn't work.
This just seems like one of those pivitol moments in life where you have to make a decision. You have to react. Right or wrong just do something! - Well, I don't want to do that. That's not at all what I should do. Yeah, it seems right, but did you read those verses up top. Well go back and read them...I'll wait.
That's what I'm doing currently....waiting. Waiting on God to give me a hint of direction. There are so many voices and distractions in my head at the moment I'm afraid I'll miss His voice. It's hard when your spirilling out of control at what feels like terminal velocity to just focus on one thing. But I have to. I have to shut everything out. All of it! And focus on what God is doing around me and saying to me. Did I mention how hard that is? Did I tell you that my wallet is screaming and the bills are screaming louder? Did I tell you that my innercore, the very essence of my manhood just took a shot to the head and isn't moving much? Did I tell you there's a big clock in my head and it keeps ticking and ticking and ticking? Did I tell you I am confused - scared - humiliated? If I didn't - Now you know.
I have some ideas on what I should do, but there's nothing concrete. Nothing solid. Sure, I've always wanted to go to work for myself. Could I do it? Sure. I know I could handle it. But there's some HUGE obsticles in my way and there is NO WAY I can move them. Only God can do that.
First - Money...takes a big chunk of change to go completely solo. Insurance - marketing - equipment...etc. And who is going to give me a small business loan. I'm unemployed!
Kids - I'd have to pull them from daycare, because I couldn't make enough money at first to keep them in. And that creates a catch 22. Pull the kids from daycare so I can keep more of my income - but that means they're at home with me and how exactly do you do what I do with two kids under 3 running around the house. You can't.
DEBT - Oh...yeah! Jenn and I have become alot wiser about money then we were when we first got married. We spent most of our married life paying off credit cards. Ok so that's been done, but we still have a HUGE student loan to pay off. I mean it's not like we've just run around blowing money...but it's still alot of debt and it's all educational. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I went to Full Sail and got my training. I absolutely love what I do. I wouldn't do anything else. But man...I'm still paying for it. And I sure won't be making much of a dent if I go solo. It'll take a while to build the business up to where I'm actually turning a profit. Meanwhile...Interest is killing us.
Ok...so well. That doesn't look so good now does it? Maybe I should find another job. I've looked. There's not much currently. There's a Promotions Director...that has some creative skills required but a lot of managerial stuff to. I know my limits. I'm not a manager. There's some graphic positions open. Problem is I don't have alot of experience in print lay-out...most of my stuff is basic design. They're two different animals.
So again I ask myself...where am I going? I don't know.
All I do know is this. No matter how frieghtened I am, no matter how bad it looks, the very earth I'm standing on could split and give way to a pitch black chasm of nothingness - God has me in His grasp and He's not letting go. I just need to sink into it and allow myself to focus on Him and then I won't need to know where I'm going. I just need to know that He's taking me there. |
posted by G. @ 7:59 AM   |
|
| 2 Comments: |
-
Keep searching remembering that God's timing is so totally different from ours. He will show you what He wants, but it may take a leap of faith from you. Keep climbing up out of this valley. We will be there to help however we can.
We are praying for you. As we told you the other night, we have been there. We know the struggles you are facing. Whatever you need...Let us know.
-
Here are some obsticle busters.
First, give God the money first and let Him bless you. If you need insurance, I can get you in touch with people who specialize in serving people who are self employed. Marketing--it won't take much to market your business. You can put your add on all kinds of free web sites. I've played around with enough to kinda know. Equipment -- can't help you with that...
Kids--if you have to take the kids out of day care, Heather would love to keep your kids 2 or 3 days a week. You can do your work without the kids. We have clothes and other stuff that Xander will be growing into.
Student loan- call whoever holds the loan and ask for an economic hardship forebarence. Heather and I are still taking advantage of that. It's just a matter of filing out paper work and tell them your story.
Small businees loan -- take a leap of faith and try. If you have snags, Heather and I know someone within a bank that's a VP... (and goes to our church).
If the way is your own business, see if there is a bud that would volunteer some time to help launch your business.
God has you in your hands. Even with the blastshield down, you can see God's way. Feel don't think. It sounds like you're thinking too much. Relax and let the force flow around you, pentatrate you. Answer this question. What can I do that would slow my thinking? What is the best way I can relax? Whatever that is, do it.
Sorry about the book within the comments. Later....dare
|
| |
| << Home |
| |
|
|
|
|
| About Me |
|
Name: G.
Home: Arkansas, United States
About Me: I have a beautiful wife, Jennifer, who has blessed me with two children. Haven Dawn & Xander Thomas. I'm a Producer/Editor for UAMS (Univ. of Arkansas for Medical Sciences). Go Cowboys!
See my complete profile
|
| Previous Post |
|
| Archives |
|
| Links |
|
| Powered by |
|
|
Keep searching remembering that God's timing is so totally different from ours. He will show you what He wants, but it may take a leap of faith from you. Keep climbing up out of this valley. We will be there to help however we can.
We are praying for you. As we told you the other night, we have been there. We know the struggles you are facing. Whatever you need...Let us know.